Shaun of The US!
by Lucky Larue
Summary: Shaun loses what he has left and moves to the US of A to try to hide from his nightmares. Rated R or M for some violence and laungauge.
1. Chapter 1

Note: I'd only seen the movie once before writing this, and I even missed some of it. I didn't mean for this story to be so damn long. I don't really think it's great. But I spent such an obscene amount of type writing it that I'm almost forced to post it. If you hate it, let me know. I'd rather hear it's terrible than have no response. Sorry if I got anything major wrong, and I'm sorry for the stupidity. Flame if you want, just please don't take this too seriously!

Shaun of The U.S.!

Shaun told her not to go out to the shed, but she had, and now she was dead. Now he had to kill Ed. He couldn't play video games with this man anymore. Crying, Shaun raised the shovel. Two whacks and it had been done. Shaun threw the shovel down and sobbed as he went into his house. He packed up his suitcase. "This is it, then. I'm leaving this bloody country. I'm moving to the good old US of A and I'm gonna start a new life", Shaun said. After packing up, he brushed what hair he had left, straightened his tie and got in the car.

When Shaun got to the airport there were no planes available for America. Shaun waited around untill there was one and he got on. Shaun traveled on the plane untill it reached American soil. He stepped out and took a big breath. "Now this is more like it! Sunshine! No more gloom and doom! Look at that frigging billboard, it's huge! There are trees everywhere! Look how busy everything is. OH BOY!" Shaun said in ecstasy. He rushed out into the street, dodging cars, and made his way into a bar. "Oooh, what a great place. Can I have some chips?" asked Shaun. Shaun didn't like the potato crisps he was given but he ate them anyway. "When in Rome, right!" said Shaun. The bartender, who had greasy hair, grinned cheesily at him. "Haha, I love it here! Where the hell am I anyway?" said Shaun. "New Jersey. So where'd you come in from?" asked the bartender.

Suddenly, the door to the bar was broken down by a zombie. "Oh, for...what are you doing here? I can't take anymore! You know what! I'm tired of being afraid! I'm not gonna be afraid!" said Shaun. He picked up a chair and bashed the zombie over the head with it. The zombie fell down and Shuan finished it off. "You just killed that guy!" said someone at the bar. "No, no, it was a zombie, no bother. I can't believe you people haven't heard about the whole Z-Day thing." Shaun said with surprise. Shaun proceeded to fill them in. "You're kidding! That's terrible! We haven't heard a thing about it", said a woman named Betsy. Shaun shrugged. "Yheah, well, I lost everyone I knew. I don't really like to talk about it", said Shaun, finishing his crisps.

"Well, that was probably an isolated incident, Shaun. I'm sure you're safe now, here in America. You can get some sun on that pale skin and get yourself aquainted with all the nooks, crannies and great open spaces of the good old US of A." said the bartender. "Thanks mate. I hope you're right. Probably wrong about that sun, though, I'll burn to a crisp! Hahah", said Shaun.

An hour later he left the bar with a couple of new friends. When he said he didn't have a place to live a couple of guys said he could share their flat, or apartment as they prefered. "You guys are bloody brilliant!" Shaun slurred happily, an arm around each one of the American's as they led him to their building. "No, YOU are a riot man! You're gonna be so entertaining to have around", said one of the guys. Shaun raised his eyebrows. "Entertaining? Me? Sure, well, I could try..." Shaun was cut off when someone came slowly shuffling out from behind a corner, a glazed look in her eyes. Shaun stopped. "Whoa! What's wrong?" asked one of Shaun's new friends. "Erm, I think it is one. In fact, I'm sure it is one. Anyone got a blunt or sharp object?" said Shaun. "You're kidding. Another one? What did you bring them with you?" said one of the Americans, panicking. "Now, now, don't panick, there. We just have to get its brain disabled, that's all. I'm sure your government will handle this situation like ours did, after awhile..." Shaun said. "Fuck this!" said one of the guys. "Yheah!" said the other. "What?" said Shaun. Shaun suddenly felt himself being pummeled forward into the zombie. "Yaah!" said Shaun. He pulled away as the creature tore at his clothes, her teeth reaching for his neck. "Help me! Help me you bloody bastards!" Shaun yelled. He turned to see the two guys running off the way they'd come.

Shaun let loose a torrent of expletitives. "YANKEE TWATS! WHERE'S YOUR PRIDE -- AAHHH! GET OFF!" yelled Shaun. Just then Shaun spotted another one coming from around the other bend. "Oh, PERFECT!" said Shaun. As the other one approached, Shaun did the same thing with the first zombie that the two yanks had done with him; throwing her at the approaching offender. They fell over and Shaun took off. "Cripes, I thought I was leaving all this behind meee!" he said as he tore through the streets.

Shaun finally entered a place called CVS and stood panting in front of the inside entrance. People looked at him. He held out a hand. "Alright, I don't want to alarm anyone, and I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you have a distinct zombie problem in your country", said Shaun. "Hey, buddy, is there a problem?" called a guy from behind the counter. "Yes, could you please lock the doors?" said Shaun, approaching the man. "Hmm?" said the guy. "Lock all the doors at once!" said Shaun, going behind the counter. "Alright, I'm gonna need you to get out from behind the counter", said the guy. "Right, just get the keys and lock the door, before it's too late, I'm telling you there's not much time." said Shaun.

A couple of security guards seemed to come out of nowhere to accoust Shaun and escort him out from behind the counter. "I'm not the problem, here, believe me! It's them you need to be nervous about! Oh, no, don't throw me out THERE!" said Shaun, as they moved him towards the door. As he approached and the first set of doors opened automatically, Shaun dug his heels into the floor and squeaked along as he was pulled along. "No, no, no, don't put me out THERE..." Shaun whined. "Don't make us have to call the police, sir", said one of the security guards. Just as they reached the outer entrance and it opened for the struggling Shaun, a new zombie was there to meet them. "What the hell? How many of you crazy, bombed morons are there out tonight?" asked one of the security guards. "No, no, I don't know him you idiots! DON'T!" yelled Shuan as they tossed him into the zombie. "I'm getting tired of that", said Shuan. He was still near enough to the doors so they hadn't closed. Shaun stuck a leg back in, aware that the doors could accidentally close on it but desperate. He was trying to fight off the zombie. He looked back to see the security guards looking on in bemused trepidation. "Help me! Help me, quick!" Shuan said. Shuan moved back into the glass hallway of automatic doors, the zombie coming with him. "Right, we'll settle this inside", said Shuan. He pushed past the guards and the inner set of doors opened for him and the zombie as they sort of tangoed inside. People in the store screamed.

"Sharp or blunt object would be useful, please... uh, hello? SHARP OR BLUNT!" screamed Shuan. After a moment, a girl of about 11 ran up to him with a small decorative American flag. "That's all?" said Shuan. He shook his head, then after a moment's struggle, he managed to drive the pointy end of the flag directly into the zombie's eye. More screaming came from the store. The zombie seemed dazed but not finished. Shuan turned and saw the display where the girl had gotten the flag. He seized a fistful of flags, holding them spike outward, and ran forward jamming them into the zombie as hard as he could. The zombie fell, motionless. "There, I think it's finished", said Shuan. He turned back to the guy behind the counter. "Now can we lock the doors?" he asked with a hopefully polite smile.

Police were called. On the way into the store the police had to blow away two more zombies. Shuan called out to them and pointed at his head and at the zombies when they were having difficulty.

Once inside the police were all over Shaun, since he was the only one who seemed to know anything about what was happening. "Contact Tony Blaire, he'll tell you these things. Am I the only British person you can ask?" Shaun asked, yawning. He wanted to go to bed. "Say, any good hotels around here? Something with good security?" Shaun asked.

The cops were kindly enough to drive him to a hotel after a period of more questioning. Shaun enjoyed seeing more of America's streets, even if there were a few zombies roaming them.

"Thanks. Right. Cheerio." said Shaun. He whistled as he trotted up into the hotel. "Ah, splended in here. You know, this country is just one big ball of entertainment. Might I have a room?" said Shaun. He then noticed that the woman at the desk was a zombie. "Ohh, noooo" moaned Shaun. "Damn it!" he said, looking around for a tool. He grabbed a heavy, horse shaped paperweight. "Oh," he said. He took care of the former employee. "I guess I'll just get my own keys", Shaun said. "Sorry," he said, stepping over the woman's body. He soon was heading up the stairs. He peaked around each corner of the hallway. It looked clear. Shaun unlocked his room and stepped inside. "Aaahhh." he sighed, relieved. He locked the door behind him. "And this is where my arse will be untill they take care of this rubbish" he said.

As he lay on the bed and stared off, he thought of Liz and Ed, of his mum and the others. He lay there in sadness, and he began to wish he'd stayed in England. There the problem had been resolved already, well, mostly resolved, and it was the place where all of his friends and family rested in pieces. "No, forget all that. Buggar it all. This is my new home. This thing'll blow over and I'll start all over. Pretty soon I'll be saying things like 'y'all' and 'pants' for trousers and not for underwear and God knows what else. I'll say 'boyyy' with an American accent. And I'll do it all alone cus all my friends are dead!" said Shaun, starting to cry. He slapped his face. "No! I'm not going to think about it. None of it. I'm staying right here till it's over", said Shuan. He heard a low thud at his room door. "Go away!" he snapped.


	2. Chapter 2

Shaun rolled over. The thudding continued, soon followed by groaning. "You're not getting in", Shaun said.

He heard faster footsteps outside, then a scream. "Um, hello? Don't touch it! Get its head! Hello?" said Shaun. "OH, GOD, GET IT OFF ME!" screamed a terrified sounding young man. Shaun sighed and heaved himself off the bed. "Why am I the one who always has to do this shite? Shit", he grumbled. He grabbed a chair and quickly bashed it apart on a desk as he made his way to the door. He unlocked it and swung it open. The young man had already been bitten. "Oh, damn. Sorry..." said Shaun. He proceeded to use the chair leg to thrwart the zombie. "I think I'm gonna be ok", said the guy who'd been bitten. "Great", said Shaun. He didn't have much sympathy for soon to be zombies after what Ed had done. He knew he couldn't blame his friend for killing Liz, but he still was filled with anger. He was tempted to slam the door shut in the prezombie's blood streaked face.

He sighed. "You can come in, but I'm going to have to lock you in", said Shaun. "What? Why? Hey, what are you--" said the guy, but Shaun shoved him inside and locked the door behind him. Shaun threw the key away and headed downstairs to get another room. He again thought of going home to the UK. He looked wistfully at a trolly that he found in a hallway that had tea on it. Shaun stopped and poured himself a cup. As he slowly began to drink, he heard familiar shuffling behind him. Shaun picked up a large butter knife laying on the trolly. He spun and stuck it into the zombie's face, causing the creature to fall to the ground, and went back to his tea.

He paused when he heard running and yelling. A group of people were coming in from somewhere in the back. "We gotta get out of here! There's something in there, something crazy! It killed somebody!" shouted a guy. "Yes, I know. They're zombies. Sorry to tell you but your country's infested with them. We just went through the same thing over the pond. But I'm going to be staying here awhile, getting citizenship actually", Shaun said. "THERE'S ONE! IT'S MOVING!" screamed a woman. "Indeed," Shaun said in annoyance, turning back to the monstrous foe. "You may want to look elsewhere", said Shaun. He picked up the whole trolly, shaking the tea off of it, and smashed in the zombie's head with it. "So, what do you all do for jollies about here?" said Shaun.

"There's another one!" screamed a guy, pointing. Shaun shook his head. "Listen, you've got to hit them hard in the head. That's the key. I can't believe they're all over the place here, just when I arrive. Maybe I do attract them..." Shaun said.

"What? You brought them here?" said a woman accusingly, a dangerous look in her eyes. "No. Me? No! Just, a chill out, right? I can help you. I know how they're dealt with, what they're like. I'm an expert, you could say", said Shaun.

"Shaun? Shaun is that you?" said a woman, running in from the front doors. "Hello. Oh, hello! You're the lady from the bar, aren't you?" said Shaun. He'd met her that day when he'd arrived. "Yes, Betsy. You were you right, these zombies are just horrible!" she said. Shaun nodded. "Do you think if I cast a spell it would help? I know a little bit of white witchcraft", said Betsy. "White witchcraft? This is no time for Harry Potter bullshit, this is life and death here!", snarled the woman who'd just accused Shaun. "You know, I, I'm sorry to say it but I think that wouldn't work terribly well. The best way is just sharp blows to the head. You could try and use a Harry Potter book if you like," said Shaun.

"Wait a second, forget witchcraft. My uncle taught me voodoo when I was a kid! We need a blood sacrifice", said a guy with a demented look in his eye. "What are you playing at? You can't stop a zombie with bloody voodoo", said Shaun. "Playing? I'm not playing, buddy. I know what I'm doing so just step the fuck off", said the guy. "Well, where are you going to get a blood sacrifice?" said Shaun. "Are there any small animals in the building? Did anybody bring a pet?" said the guy, begining to hunt around the room rather mindlessly. "No! You can't sacrifice a life, that's black magic that can only make things worse!" cried Betsy, indignant. "Hey, you want to stop these things or you want to play fairie princess? Now somebody go find me a frigging cockatiel or a gerbil or something and I can... oh, shit", said the guy. A zombie had risen up behind him. "Watch out" warned Shaun. The thing had latched onto the fellow before anyone could react. "He's a goner. Everyone? Here's my suggestion -" said Shaun, but at that moment, a virtual parade of zombies was seen coming in through the front doors. "RUN!" said Shaun. They all took off for the back.

Shaun found himself out the backdoor and on the street once more. And there were zombies out back too. "Oh, God, this is it! I'm coming, mum! I'm coming everyone! Wish I'd stayed in the UK! No, don't say that Shaun. You can get out of this. This is your new home and you must fight for it." Shaun said, as the things moved closer.

"I know what I need. I need a GUN! They're all over this place. Yes, of course, it's brilliant. You're so clever, Shaun." Shaun said proudly. "Oh, I'm going to die..." he said, his eyes widening as he realized there was no way out. A truck came barrelling down the street, knocking zombies out of its way. It distracted enough of them so that Shaun could make a break through the crowd. He found a side street that only had a few wandering it, and he tore down it as fast as he could. He slowed as he saw a man on a moterbike up ahead. "Hello? Room for two on that?" asked Shaun. The man slowly turned towards him. It was one. Shaun lured the zombie from the bike, ran back to it, hopped aboard and zoomed off.

Trying to navigate through American streets with packs of zombies near and far was not the easiest ride Shaun had had, but he did alright. Most stores he passed by looked baraccaded or deserted. Shaun didn't try stopping. He kept going untill he passed through country, wide open fields with tiny old houses in the background. This area strangely seemed utterly devoid of zombies. Shaun felt hopeful, a smile coming to his face as he flew along, his tie blowing back behind him. He checked his petrol. Not good at all. He was damn near on empty. He would have to stop at the next farm house he saw.

Shaun made it up to a yellow house. He looked around. All looked clear. He hopped off his stolen bike and ran towards the house. He panted. "Hello? Hello, someone there?" he asked, knocking at the door. "Who is that? Can I help you?" asked a gruff, weathered man who looked in his 70s and raised his eyebrows at Shaun. "Yes... you see... er..." said Shaun, looking back behind him. "Well, I've run out of petrol. Er, gasoline", said Shaun. "Have you? Well, you're in luck. I got some outback", said the man. "How helpful!" said Shaun. The man handed Shaun a can of gasoline. "Ah, lovely. Thank you", said Shaun. "Why don'tcha come on inside, have a cup a joe before ya head on out." said the man. "Oh, no, I --" said Shaun. "Come on! Or don't they drink joe in jolly old England?" laughed the farmer. "Well, why not! You know I'm going to be living here permanantly, I might as well start drinking more coffee and less tea, eh?" said Shaun. The man slapped him hard on the back. "That's the spirit! Gotta get rugged, kid. You look like an anemic weasel or a fairy or somethin'" said the man. "Oh, how kind of you to say", said Shaun. "Name's Robert. What's yours?" said the man. "Shaun", said Shaun. The headed into Robert's humble home. As Robert went to prepare the coffee he turned his radio on. "...could be anyone, anywhere, best to stay inside and keep all doors and windows locked. Now if you encounter one..." came a voice from the radio. "Say, could I use your loo? Er, toilet?" asked Shaun. "Huh? Uh, yheah. Right back there", said Robert. "Ta", said Shaun. He headed into the loo. When he finished up and came back outside he saw Robert standing there with a garden spade in his hands. "Robert, noo!" shouted Shaun, raising his hands in defense. Robert slammed down the spade. "OUCH!" said Shaun, getting struck in the face. He felt his face sting and his lip bleed. "Get off!" growled Shaun, struggling with Robert for the spade.

"I am not a zombie! Let go!" said Shaun. They each pulled at the spade. The back door swung open. A zombified man stood there. "THAT'S a zombie. Where'd you come from?" said Shaun. "Shit! Get off my land!" Robert yelled. He tore the spade away from Shaun and charged forward. Robert drove the spade straight into the fiend's neck. "No, that's not how you do it.", said Shaun. He marched forward and yanked out the spade. A few jams above the neck and the zombie fell motionless. "That's how you do it, right? But a shovel'd work better." said Shaun. "Thanks, I gots a rifle upstairs but I wanted to take care of you straight away", said Robert. "A rifle? Wouldn't have a spare gun would you?" Shaun asked. "Sorry, sonny, just the one", said Robert. Shaun nodded and looked at the body. "You want me to move him out back then?" said Shaun. "Uh, thanks, Shaun", said Robert. Shaun waved him off. He hauled the body out back. Shaun ended up staying for a meal and then the night when he finally was overcome by tiredness. Shaun dreamed of Liz coming back, bursting out of Ed's stomach like an alien, and Ed had this zombified look on his face but he was giggling, and Liz was a corpse but not a zombie and she was glaring at Shaun. He awoke the next morning panting.


	3. Chapter 3

After Shaun had gotten up, he looked out the windows and saw that there were a few to be found surrounding the house and in the distance, but nowhere near as many as in town. "What say we hop in that heap of a car you've got by the house and we can get out of here? me and we can get out of said Shaun. "No, no, I ain't gonna let no zombies drive me out of my home." said Robert. "But--" said Shaun. "Hell no! I been through a tornado, floodin', racoons, the gov'ment, all kinds of crazy riffraff, and I can take these hellions", said Robert. "But--" said Shaun. "I'M STAYIN'" roared Robert. "If you're sure. Just lock up tight, right? Well, I'd best be going. Could I take the spade? If you're going to be using the gun", said Shaun. "Yheah, sure", said Robert. Shaun made his way with the petrol back out to the moterbike. There were just a few of them around, wandering around like cows in the fields. Shaun kept an eye out as he filled the tank, then he tucked the spade into his pants and drove off. He reached a small business area. There were more of them here, but no huge crowds. As he sped down the street, dodging a zombie here and there, he kept an eye out for a gun store.

"Come on, guns, guns, where the hell are they?" Shaun asked. He came apon a bank and recalled seeing part of some quasi-documentary where a guy got a free gun on the spot at a bank! The bank looked clear, but was empty. Shaun almost drove the bike right through the window, then realized he would probably be killed by all the glass. He hopped off his bike and tried to smash the window with the spade. "Come ON! Aaahh! I'm in America and I want a fucking gun!" Shaun hollared.

"Shaun?" asked a voice from behind him. "Betsy!" said Shaun. She was in a Jeep packed with people. People were all over eachother. "Are you alright? Is that your bike?" said Betsy. "More or less. Are you alright? Got out of the hotel alright?" said Shaun. "Yheah, eventually. I'd ask you to ride with us but we're jam packed. Where are you headed?" said Betsy. "Your guess is as good as mine. Just trying to find a gun, you know?" said Shaun. "That's a good idea. We should break into a gunshop", said someone in the jeep. "You're not still trying white magic are you, Betsy? Cus one of them ate my girlfriend and I don't think incense would have warded him off", said Shaun. "Oh, uh, no. Well, does anyone know where to find - Shaun, watch out!" said Betsy. A quick two blows with the spade, and Shaun turned back to face Betsy. "Sorry?" said Shaun. "Um, I was just asking if anyone knew where to find a gun shop", said Betsy.

"Two blocks down and ya make a left on Vine" said a man in the backseat. "Alrighty, then!" said Betsy. "Let's all head down there then, shall we? Forget the bank, that's rubbish. I'm on my way, meet you there", said Shaun. He climbed aboard the bike as the others took off.


	4. Chapter 4

It wasn't long before they'd reached the shop. It seemed to glow to Shaun. It was just packed full of guns, you could see them through the window. "Oh, kick arse", said Shaun. He got off the bike. "Ouch. Think I'm getting hemmoroids." said Shaun. "What?" said Betsy. "Said let's get some guns and ammo!" shouted Shaun. Betsy just nodded slowly. They all approached the shop. Most of the people from the jeep had weapons of some sort. Some looked around at the ready as they caught the attention of several zombies. Shaun and a couple of others slammed at the glass with their weapons and this time it broke. "Bitchin'!" said Shaun. Soon, they were all inside the shop, loading guns. "This is what I'm talking about! This time we won't lose any. And we'll show them no mercy! Let's take them all out! Clean the streets!" Shaun said. "You're awfully gung ho about this", said Betsy. "Betsy, this is the motherload! This is our best chance to fight back! We didn't have this shite in England, I assure you." said Shaun. "It's just so nasty. And those things, I feel almost a little sorry for them. Maybe..." said Betsy. Shaun took her by the arms. "Betsy, those things are not human anymore! They have no feelings. You can't change that no matter how hard you try. I tried once. I tried to keep my best friend as a zombie chained up in the shed but it just didn't work out. You can only deal with these things one way" said Shaun. "I'm sorry, Shaun", said Betsy. They looked into eachother's eyes.

"They're comin close", said a woman at the window. One grabbed her hand. "Aahh!", she said, backing up and firing at it.

"Very good. But it's better to use the semi-automatics for this sort of thing. Damn, I'm glad you people didn't ban them" said Shaun. "But Shaun, there's no reason to own a semi-automatic gun under normal circumstances", said Betsy. "Betsy, do I look like I care!" said Shaun. She frowned at him as he moved to the window and unleashed a torrent of bullets at the things' heads. It was an all out shootout of insanity as the people fired at the approaching zombies, and the zombies were dropping like flies.

But more zombies kept approaching. "You know, we should really just hole up somewhere like they say on the news. That's the safest thing", said Betsy. Shaun sighed. "I suppose you're right Betsy. My plans have a way of leading to disaster. We should get out of here. But where do we go? Another hotel?" said Shaun. "It's going to be hard to find a place that isn't already full and barracaded." Betsy said.

Shaun moaned. "Bet you wish you'd stayed in England, eh, 'chap'?" asked a guy with a backwards baseball cap. "Nah, food was rubbish there. No trees. No forests... that's it! Forests! We should go hide out in the woods! They don't like unpopulated areas. We can hide out deep in the woods till it blows over. We'll break into a store and get some tents or something,", said Shaun. They all looked at eachother and shrugged. "Sounds good to me", was the general concensus. They all loaded up on guns and took off for supplies, including a map, and then headed for the hills. On the way they hit a swarm of zombies. Shaun pulled a rifle out from where he'd strapped it to his back and began firing it while he rode the moterbike. But he quickly crashed, unable to navigate through so many of the beastly entities. "Shite!" said Shaun, tumbling to the ground. "NOOO! Shaun!" said Betsy, screeching the car to a stop. People began firing their guns at the zombies to get them away from the area where Shaun had fallen.

"I'm ok!" said Shaun, raising a hand. A shot fired right above his head. "Jesus! Be careful who you blow away, right?" said Shaun. "Sorry", said somebody in the back of the jeep. "Shaun, get in the jeep", said Betsy. Shaun couldn't argue, they were closing in around him. He ran to the jeep but it was stuffed with people. "There's no room!" Shaun said. Everyone sucked in their breath and squoze in a bit more. "Come on, Shaun!" said Betsy. Shaun stuck his butt into a small space and the rest of him hung out the window. The car started. It was already moving slower than normal because of all the weight, and now it was just a bit slower. Shaun fired semi automatics at everything he saw. He blasted a Ronald McDonald statue apart. "Watch out, make sure you don't hit any uninfected people!" called someone from the front. "Right. Sorry Ronald", said Shaun.

Eventually they started to leave the masses behind them. The farther they got from large groups of people, the farther they got from large groups of zombies. They made there way into the woods. They were in the pine barrens. They eventually had to desert the jeep and go on on foot. "Uuughh!" groaned Shaun, forcing himself out of his cramped position and tumbling onto the ground. After everyone had done some stretching, they all began to trek further into the woods. "They'll find us, I just know they will", said a young guy with sideburns. "Least we have our guns", mumbled Shaun. "You and your gun obsession! There is more to us than that, you know. What about baseball?" said Betsy. "Baseball? It gives me the hives", said Shaun. "Well, what about blinding amounts of advertising?" said somebody else. "Now that's a pasttime! You people know how to make money", said Shaun. "You people? YOU PEOPLE?" said someone else. "Put a lid on it," grumbled Betsy. A half hour or so passed before they decided to camp out. "They'll come for us, I know they will", said the sideburned guy again. "We'll have someone stand guard. If any appear we'll all wake up and..." said Shaun, lifting his semi.

They built a fire and set up camp. They were all sitting around it. "Didn't anybody bring marshmellows?" asked a woman.

There was a low growling and a shuffling. "Oh, no, not yet!" said Shaun. They all froze.

"It's... it's just a bear", said Betsy. "JUST a bear?" said Shaun. "Nobody move. Nobody fire!" said Betsy. "Just a bear, she says! That thing could eat me whole..." said Shaun, as the furry animal moved along behind some trees. "Just leave it. It will move on. We tied up the food away from us", whispered Betsy. "I've never seen a bear in my life! Ooh, that's huge!" whispered Shaun.

Night went on and most fell asleep. A balding man with fuzzy brown hair named Thompson who looked a bit like Art Garfunkle was first to stand guard. He sat there chewing bubblegum and looking around as the others tried to sleep. Shaun's eyes shot open at every tiny noise, but eventually his heavy eyes closed and he fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Shaun awoke in morning's light. It was surprisingly warm. "Aaahh, the sun", said Shaun. He looked around himself. Their guard, Thompson, was sound asleep. Shaun looked over at Betsy, who was sleeping nearby, her face nearly covered by her shaggy dirty blond-hair. He looked at her fondly. "Oh, Liz, will you forgive me if I try making a move on Betsy?" whispered Shaun. Betsy's eyes fluttered open. "Oh, you're awake", said Shaun. "Good morning, Shaun", said Betsy. "Did you sleep well?" asked Shaun. "As well as can be expected considering we've in the middle of the woods, we've got zombies hunting for us and there are semi-automatic weapons surrounding us", said Betsy. Shaun nodded. "You know, I really love it out here in the woods. Makes me feel as though I could forget everything and live a normal life, a contented, serene life", said Shaun. "It's never a good thing to forget too much, Shaun" warned Betsy. "But I feel as if my head is going to explode", said Shaun. Betsy reached over towards him. They touched hands. After a moment, Shaun pulled away. "I should get some of that food, we should get some breakfast going and then move further into the woods." said Shaun.

Shaun crept into the clearing where they'd hung the food up in backpacks from a tree to try to keep bears away from it, and in case that didn't work to keep it away from the camp. He got the food down and was picking out some things for breakfast when he heard a crack behind him. Shaun leapt up. He didn't see anyone. He realized he'd forgotten to bring one of those damn guns. "Crud", he said. He collected some stuff and then hung the backpacks back up. Shaun came back into the camp.

"Eeww! Oh, no!" said Thompson, who was now awake. Everyone looked at him. "Oh, sorry. It's just a tick. Did anybody bring a pair of tweezers?" said Thompson.

As they were eating breakfast, they were singing songs and having a good time untill they heard a loud growl nearby that made them spill their beverages and jump in their seats. They stopped singing and heard heavy rustling close by. Shaun looked around. They could see what looked like the same bear moving behind some bushes just in the distance. "It might smell the food", whispered Betsy. There was the sound of tearing and stamping on the ground. "It's got food", said somone else. There were more growling noises and then the bear galloped away, dissapearing into the woods. They all looked at eachother. "It just abandoned its kill", said Betsy. Shaun stood up bravely. He walked forward, slowly made his way over and through the bushes and to the spot where the bear had torn at its prey. He looked down at it, then looked at everybody at the camp. "The bear killed a zombie", he said, nodding.

Everyone got up, some screaming, and grabbed their guns. Someone's gun went off and people dropped back to the ground. "HIT THE DIRT!" screamed Thompson. "Everyone calm down! I'm coming back. Ouch", said Shaun.

"I've been shot!" howled a man wincing on the ground. It was the young guy with the sideburns. "Oh, bloody hell! Listen, uh," said Shaun. "Keanu!" said the guy. "Keanu?" asked everyone at once. "Yes, it's fucking Keanu, get over it", he hissed through clenched teeth. He was holding his right leg. He'd been shot in the upper thigh. "You're damn lucky, you could have easy been shot dead. Alot of us could have", said Betsy. "You're right, Betsy. Maybe guns are overrated. I admit, they can be a bit of a menace", said Shaun. A zombie came staggering into the clearing. Everyone in camp, including Keanu, grabbed a gun and fired at it. It dropped motionless to the ground. "I LOVE GUNS AND I LOVE AMERICA!" screamed Shaun, kissing his semi-automatic weapon. It went off in his hand and shot a tree limb off. The tree limb fell on Keanu's legs. "Goddamn it!" said Keanu.

Shaun dropped to his knees. He pulled an American flag out of a backpack. "Where did you get that?" asked a woman with Florida Orange earrings and a blond perm. "Ok! I'll wrap up that bullet wound and let's try to get out of here, ok, everyone?" said Shaun. Shaun tied the wound tight. "We need a stretcher", said Thompson. "We don't have one, though", said Betsy. "Onward we go! Come on, Thompson, help me carry this bloke, eh?" said Shaun, wrapping Keanu's arm around his shoulder. "Right," said Thompson, throwing down the Archie comic he was reading and starting to get up from the tree he was leaning against. Suddenly a zombie woman popped out from behind the tree and sank her teeth into Thompson's neck. "Oh, no! Oh, God!" cried Betsy. "Thompson! Hang on!" said Shaun, accidentally letting Keanu drop on his butt. Shaun heaved up the fallen tree branch that had landed on Keanu's legs and charged forward with it. "DON'T BRING IT ANY CLOSER!" yelled Thompson, seeing the branch about to smash into his face. But as he was yelling, Shaun hurled it up and tossed it down ontop of the zombie's head. "Oh, God, am I gonna turn into one now? Am I gonna be ok?" said Thompson. Shaun swallowed dryly. He wished he could say something positive. Suddenly another zombie popped out behind the same tree and sank its teeth into the other side of Thompson's neck. Thompson groaned. A woman ran up with a gun and shot the zombie at close range, but it was too late for Thompson. He slumped over. He was gone.

Another zombie emerged into the clearing. Someone fired a rifle and after a few missed shots, brought the fiend down. "THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! Everybody run!" screamed Keanu. "What about you?" said Shaun. "Oh, yheah", said Keanu. Shaun heaved Keanu up. "Somebody grab his other arm, quick!" said Shaun. One of the other guys did, and they took off as fast as they could.


	6. Chapter 6

As they went they could see zombies trailing them. They would stop occasionally to fire back at them. "God, how many are there? I thought they hate deserted places", said Betsy. "Some must have followed us, and then some followed them. Pack mentality", sighed Shaun.

They trekked on through the forest. The sludged through the mud. They burned in the sun and shivered in the shade. They fired back here and there, but there always seemed to be more. "You know, I'm begining to think it's something about me," said Shaun, holding the cramp in his side and breathing shallowly. "That doesn't make any sense," said Betsy. "Do zombies really make sense? You know, I bet if I left, they'd leave you alone. Maybe if I'd never come to America they never would have come here." said Shaun. "They're killing people all over the place, they're not just after you. It's a coincidence they showed up at the same time you did" Betsy said. "Probably. But maybe there's something about me that they really like", said Shaun. "Like the scent of Shaun draws them in?" asked Betsy. "Um, could be. I try to bathe, you know. It's hard when zombies are after you", said Shaun. "You know what I think, Shaun? It's cuz you're depressed. You think like a zombie and they're drawn to you", said Keanu. "Thanks, mate", said Shaun. "No, I'm just bein' honest" said Keanu. "Well, if that's true then they must be particularly interested in half the human population", said Shaun. They continued on for another 10 or 15 minutes.

"Hey look, a cabin", said Shaun. There was a cozy little log cabin up ahead of them. "You think anybody's in there?" grunted Keanu. They journeyed on and reached the cabin. "It's deserted", said Betsy. "After you", said Shaun. "What a cozy little place." said Shaun. He banged on the walls. "Sturdy", he said.

"Ok, folks, they're coming. Lock and load", said a guy aiming out the window. The entire group except for Keanu began firing out of windows and the front door at the approaching zombies. When it would seem that they'd all been destroyed, time would pass but after an hour or so, a new group would come. "What the hell is this, a zombie army!" asked Betsy, growing hysterical. They were running out of ammunition. "They want me, they want me" moaned Shaun. "No, Shaun, don't even talk like that!" said Betsy. "I should go join all my departed loved ones", said Shaun. "We need you here!" said Betsy. "I'll do you more good leading them off into the woods. They can devour me and even if they come back for you, you'll have moved on farther ahead..." said Shaun. "Fuck that! You've got to stop this! Look, maybe Keanu's right! You think like a dead man and you attract them. Liven up! Come on, everybody liven up! Let's throw a party in here! Yheah! Wheee!" said Betsy. The others stared at her as if she had gone mad. After a pause, Shaun lept up and howled in glee. "YEEESSS! I... am revitalized! I feel so alive! Yay! Hurray! Everybody! Yay! Hay! Hurray!" said Shaun.

"Yay... hay... hurray!" said the others between firing their weapons. After a few minutes, someone said, "They're still coming". "Ok, maybe I was wrong", said Keanu, who was sprawled out on the floor behind the action. "We're gonna be out of bullets in about 30 seconds" said Betsy. Keanu rolled away from it all and looked out through a small hole in the wall of the cabin. "Guys?" said Keanu. Keanu saw shambling, decaying feet approaching the cabin. "Guys, they're comign from the back too. We're surrounded", said Keanu, and then he died of shock.

"WHAT!" said Shaun. "Ok, now I'm just getting pissed off! Keanu? Keanu?" said Shaun. The bullets ran out. The group struggled to close all the windows and the door quickly. There were no locks. They shoved the table up against the door. The zombies were everywhere. They were pounding on the cabin. "We could be ok in here. The don't seem that strong. I don't think they'll be able to get in." said Betsy.

Everyone huddled up on the floor, waiting. The thumping outside was like being in a hailstorm. "They'll never get in, they're just, well, zombies. They can't think. They can't figure out how to-- " Shaun was interrupted by a mighty boom at the door. Slowly, Shaun stood up. He looked at the window, around the zombie faces that were looking in, and spied five zombies trying to break down the door with a large log. Shaun's jaw dropped. The door banged open.

Shaun leapt in front of Betsy as the zombies came in in a flood. "THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!" screamed a woman just before she was devoured. "Oh, God..." said Shaun. He and Betsy turned to the back window to try to escape, but the zombies were all around the house in a great crowd. They were coming in through the front door and there was no escape. They tried to fight by bashing the zombies with the guns, but there were too many of them and they seemed to be working together to thwart the humans. Suddenly, as the zombies closed in on Shaun and Betsy huddled in a corner, Shaun exclaimed at the top of his voice, "HELP ME ED!".

And he had a vision. Ed was floating there before him, translucent and glowing. "Bum", said Ed. "What?" asked Shaun. "Yer bum, or in America, butt. Gotta... go..." Ed said, and his image flickered away. "Wha? My BUM? Oh, God, I'll try anything!" said Shaun. He yanked down his pants, stood up and mooned the zombies. "Shaun, what the hell?" said Betsy. "Ed's ghost told me, just shut your eyes and pray for the best", said Shaun. Betsy put her hands over her eyes. Shaun, sweat beads on his forehead, was absolutely scandalised when he felt a clammy hand touch his left buttcheek. "ED WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK!" called Shaun. "Shaun, turn around a second", said Betsy. Shaun did. Betsy gasped. "What? I know it's pale and stuff..." said Shaun. "No, there's a mark here. A mark, it's Anubis, the Egyptian guardien of the dead. This is a great spiritual mark" said Betsy. Shaun blinked. "I can see it. Haven't you ever noticed it before? The little red dots on your butt form a very clear drawing of Anubis" said Betsy. There was groaning from the zombies. "You'd better face them again. They like seeing that. Don't you see, Shaun? You were marked with a special sign. Guardien of the dead. These zombies, somewhere inside there's something that's saying 'let me cross over', they're crying out for passage to the otherside. You were given the special mark and that's why they're following you, but they didn't know it, but now they're mesmerized!" said Betsy, seeming excited. "Betsy, you're really starting to disturb me greatly", said Shaun. "Look, I know I'm a new age freak, but it's working isn't it?" said Betsy. Shaun sighed, shaking his head in bewilderment. "So what am I supposed to do? Just stand here and let them gawk at my rump untill I die?" said Shaun.

"Well, you could cut it off and throw it to them.", said Betsy. "WHAT?" said Shaun. "They'd probably follow it. I'll try to think of something better though", said Betsy. They stayed like that for several minutes. Shaun hunched over with his arse exposed, Betsy lost in thought, the zombies staring mindlessly and brought to a standstill. "This is the most awkward moment I've ever experienced" said Shaun. "I think I know what to do. We've got to find The Egyptian Book of The Dead", said Betsy. "Is that a real book?" said Shaun. "I think so. Maybe you can take on the role of Anubis and help them somehow." said Betsy. Shaun groaned. "Oh, I don't want to! Whoops, excuse me", said Shaun, glancing back at the zombies who were still staring at his bum. "What choice is there?" said Betsy. "If I'm some kind of voodoo guru then I should just be able to make something up. Alright, you lost ghouls, just listen up now, right? By the power of my arse I order you all to stop being zombies and cross over! I command thee!" said Shaun, shoving his arse backwards and knocking a zombie over. "Shaun! It's working! Look, it's dissolving!" said Betsy. "Really? Awesome!" said Shaun. He spent the next two days blessing zombies by exclaiming some nonsense and pushing them away with his arse. Betsy hauled the bodies of the others outside and buried them. There were no survivors except her and Shaun. Finally, when it was all over, Shaun cracked his back and finally was able to stand up and relax. "There's got to be more out there", said Betsy. "The government will deal with the rest eventually, right? Unless I'm hunted down, I'm not saving anymore zombie souls" said Shaun.

Finally, the place seemed to be cleared out. Betsy and Shaun put their arms around eachother and looked out from the front door of the cabin. It was a beautiful blue skied day. The air was fresh now that the bodies were buried and the zombies were gone. "So, where do you want to go now?" said Betsy. "Let's stay right here. Let's live in this fine cabin in the woods." said Shaun. "Let's", agreed Becky. They went back inside the cabin.

The End.


End file.
